Simplicity In A Complex Mind

2012-01-27T01:10:00.000+08:00

As the storm passes by, a yet another brand new day.
Till the day when our path crosses, nothing much can be done, beside silently hoping that everything will always be great on your side.
Till the day when we meet, i can't speak no more, except knowing one day we will create something, truly our own.

2 simple words. 'Believe' and 'Trust'.

Looking forward to the opportunities and experiences that awaits me. Smile.

2012-01-24T02:45:00.000+08:00

Have faith and believe.
Or am I wrong?

2012-01-19T11:52:00.003+08:00

Man has the want of his will, and the momentary want of his desire. Ultimately he wants the right thing, the good thing, our will. But in the moment of temptation we have a rush of desire that is our immediate want. For will to overcome desire we must merge the two. To strengthen our will so much that the will and the desire are one in the same.

The new year has been fabulous.
I can never ask for a greater start to it. It's an irony that it is always the various minor events that make everything so bizarrely beautiful.
Her return have set off a ripple of emotions. A short trip for her, and by the time when i publish this entry, she would just have only a few days left.

"Some battles are not meant to be fought, because the casualties can be too great".
Well, i reckon i will win this war, for even if i am bruised and hurt, i always believe it is still worth it.

When we face a large frustration in a relationship, we don't know what to do to reduce frustration. We search for our memories for an old behaviour that has given us some relief in the past. With this remedy, we feel better temporarily but at the end of the day we did not achieve any positive desirable results which we wish for. With repeat cycles of behaving in such manner, we give up not wanting to seek for any other better quality behavior.

Everyone have their own quality life. There are two forms of reflection, a reflection which is who we want to be and someone who is capable of achieving great things. The other reflection is a satisfying form of us, choosing to believe that we are only that 'small' and we are not able to fulfill. When challenges occurs, one can choose to be the first form of reflection by rising to it and solve it or the latter form of reflection which we choose to remove everything out of our quality world. Replacing everything in our world beside our self. Replacement theory or a form of escape, that is what many people choose subconsciously.

Time apart helps me to sit back and understand the different elements in a healthy relationship. Often we love in the way which we believe it should be, however we tend not to realise that we should love in the way which others want it to be.
To love is a form of self sacrifice. Who am i to speak about love but i guess i have indeed learn how to love, to love you in the way which you would like.

One day when everything start slowing down, i want to be there standing by your side.

Not expecting, not imposing, no obligations. Just choosing what i believe in. You.

Starting from zilch with nothing to lose.

2012-01-11T19:31:00.001+08:00

The Fresh Look.

2012-01-02T01:58:00.001+08:00

In retrospect, the past year is filled with happiness, compassion, misfortune and misery. A roller-coaster ride filled with plenty of ecstasy and delirium. Like always, we learn from our experiences and we choose to hold on to things that we deem worthy and we stray away from those that degenerate us.
I have learn and i am glad, however i will keep learning.
Another new year of hopes and dreams, don't stop believing.

2012-01-02T00:18:00.000+08:00

The sound of the rain always evokes feelings of longing.

I once heard a professor said this while i was doing an event for a seminar. In every beginning of a city or civilisation, a tree is always the first to be planted. Road and buildings are always a post requisite. A tree in nature is where people congregate, where they seek shelter under the sun and they exchange ideas. They communicate and they start trading under the tree. With trade, the city flourish and the rest are naturally developed.
Interesting analogy i should say. At the end of the seminar, his students who are doing their Phd brought up a tree and gave it to him as a farewell gift. One of the student said, 'We plant tress to benefit another generation, our future', and the knowledge which you have imparted is precisely like planting trees into our life, creating a better future, for us and through us.

"To educate is to help one to understand freedom and integration. To have freedom there must be order, which virtue alone can give; and integration can take place only when there is great simplicity. From innumerable complexities we must grow to simplicity; we must be simple in our inward life and in our outward needs."
- J. Krishnamurti

Strange encounters bring interesting interaction.
The train trip with a french man and the beer chat with a Northern Ireland guy. The tales of others.

2011-12-23T22:33:00.001+08:00

No man, woman, or child is an island. We need others to complete us. We need others to discover our self. We are an ultra social species, full of emotions finely tuned for loving, befriending, helping, sharing, and other wise intertwining our lives with others.
In retrospect, we are independent yet interdependent of each other.

Anticipating.

I still feel for you.

2011-12-23T20:33:00.001+08:00

2011-12-13T01:49:00.002+08:00

Whichever place you go, it is always the people that matter.
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
Silence.

2011-12-07T13:31:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you get hit so hard that you do not know what hit you. Seeking the superficial moment of fun to disguise the inner confusion yet it is utterly futile. I am just feeling quite erratic recently. Maybe i have been waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Smile.

2011-12-03T18:42:00.002+08:00

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Pink Floyd - Wish you were here.

2011-11-27T02:38:00.012+08:00

Just like the leaves that fall off the trees during the Autumn breeze.
Such beautiful sight.
Done and dusted.
The act of denial, the rage of anger, the wilfulness of bargaining, the settlement of depression and the dreadful acceptance.
I wasn't given a chance, never was i. It is like telling someone, you can never make it without even giving him the time.

You are perfect.
I am perfect.
And we make a perfect couple.
People questioned, why do i remain so steadfast, how long have i know you, it is precisely the point that no one understand you better than i do.
We complement so well in the sense that we are bipolar and totally opposite.
In the physics lesson during my younger days, they call it a form of magnetic field. The north pole and the south pole. We attract each other intensely when we are in close proximity, and we attract everyone into this magnetic field of ours. However proximity is something which we can't have now. All we need is just a little control and some form of compromise.
We both enjoy experience, you simply love new experiences without any clauses attached whereas i love practical experiences which will help me to grow.
You jump straight into any opportunities without much thought knowing that it can be done whereas i analyze with my multi-perspective before i embark on the opportunity. I have plenty of ideas and dreams but the risk adverse me constantly hold me back and you being someone who is always filled with plenty of ideas and dreams and being the optimistic you, failed to recognise the flaws in the ideas before devoting your time into it.
I hold on to any important relationship with my grit whereas you choose to believe if it is meant to be, it will be. You prefer shifting with the wind but i believe defining my own, our own.
People call me a pessimist-optimistic and i reckon you are a optimistic-pessimist.
In all situations, everything can be done, nothing can't be solve but yet within that situation, we might need to find a satisfying point of view which we have to come to a form of compromise.
You and i are perfect but i reckon perfect is a word with such serious connotations that even you or i might fear to speak about it. Often, we fear death but when we start to fear our fear, we are paralyse and it lead to our downfall. Who are we to fear, or to believe we are not worthy for each other. If we ever think that either of us is too good for each other and somehow we are afraid to embrace because we fear that we might not be able to live up to it. I say, everything else is just the background noise. What is there which either of us can't embrace.
I am fighting in the dark whereas he is fighting in the light. How am i able to fight without even knowing what am i against with? The word 'Fair' is not a word that exist in this world when human emotions define the notion. I am completely defeated not because i am incapable but because i was never even allow to be in the fighting ring.
Why did you even want a friendship when you know it was never my intention to have one. There is never a consolation gift in the game of love.
I wasn't given a chance, never was i.
Companionship or relationship?
What are you seeking? Many of us will never understand the difference in that.

Sometimes i just wish to tell myself that i might had just made a bad decision in loving you however i know that it was never the case, you are always the beauty in my eyes.
Love is something i will never understand and i guess love is always a game for people who can stomach it, definitely not me.
Giving up was never in my mind, but pushing forward is something i fear as well.

Were we meant to be, i say yes. Are we suppose to last, i say yes. Will we end up together, i can't conclude if you do not even wish to try.
I see the beauty in us, do you? We are meant to walk together.

You deserve someone better, definitely not the one that you are embracing now.
I wish i can be just like you, embracing anyone that comes.

2011-11-15T19:56:00.000+08:00

Stagnancy breeds complacency and complacency breeds contempt.
Sometimes the power of a person is just not enough to change everything.
There are certain things in the place of work which bounds to make you feel upset and unwarranted of the hard work that you put in.
There are some things which once done is just like opening a can of worms.
Passionate about being in the service front, i reckon the tacit knowledge which i have acquire do help me in many ways.
I demand a lot from myself as well as the fellow colleagues around me. However demand isn't sufficient to get things done. Demanding leads to unhappiness, however a tactful manner of encouraging and motivating generate better results. How much can you motivate when mostly it is intrinsic motivation that drives you forward rather than extrinsic motivation. If one isn't in the right frame of mind to make things work how much can i motivate him to be better. The effect of extrinsic motivation will certainly wear off after some time.
It is out of convenience for most people to just say 'I don't know', 'I can't', 'i am incapable', 'this is not the right time' or whatever reasons they can mention just to shift the responsibility. We encounter such behaviour in all form of human relationships. Be it at work, your friends or the one you love.
I succumb to such behaviours at times too and i am not trying to take the moral high ground however i try to take ownership of whatever problems that i encounter.
Simply knowing that problems will still arise if we fail to rectify it maybe not now but certainly in future.
It is draining when you wish to solve an issue or to make things better but the other counterpart just shrink and refuse to compromise or presume everything is fine.
I will keep trying. Definitely,in all aspects of my life. Hopefully my effort will prevail one day.
I need a fresh change in most aspects of my life.

Walking away isn't a bad choice sometimes and i am seriously contemplating.

2011-11-11T01:14:00.000+08:00

We start trying to be wise when we realise that we are not born knowing how to live, but life is a skill that has to be acquired, like riding a bicycle or playing the piano. But what does wisdom counsel us to do? It tells us to aim for tranquility and inner peace, a life free from anxiety, fear, idolatry, and harmful passions. Wisdom teaches us that our first impulses may not always be true, and that our appetites will lead us astray if we do not train reason to separate vain from genuine needs. It tells us to control our imagination or it will distort reality and turn mountains into molehills and frogs into princesses. It tells us to hold our fears in check, so that we can be afraid of what will harm us, but not waste our energies fleeing shadows on the wall. It tells us we should not fear death, and that all we have to fear is fear itself.

But what does wisdom say about love? Is it something that should be given up completely, like coffee or cigarettes, or is it allowed on occassions, like a glass of wine or a bar of chocolate? Is love directly opposed to everything that wisdom stands for?

The difference could be grouped into categories of mature and immature love. Preferably in almost every way, the philosophy of mature love is marked by an active awareness of the good and bad within each person, it is full of temperance, it resists idealisation, it is free of jealousy, masochism, or obsession, it is a form of friendship with a sexual dimension, it is pleasant, peaceful, and reciprocated. Immature love on the other hand is a story of chaotic lurching between idealisation and disappointment, an unstable state where feelings of ecstasy and beatitude combine with impressions of drowning and fatal nausea, where the sense that one has finally found the answer comes together with the feeling that one has never been so lost. The logical climax of immature (because absolute) love comes in death, symbolic or real. The climax of mature love comes in marriage, and the attempt to avoid death via routine. For immature love accept no compromise, and once we refuse compromise, we are on the road to some kind of cataclysm.

Alain De Botton - Essays in love

A beautiful book full of wise and profound insights.
It is an irony that i yearn to see you yet i am afraid to meet you. Maybe i am just afraid that the whole story will not end up like how i visualize. Why should i fear if i believe in the possibility. What is it that i believe?

Days have been rather kind to me.

Thank you for the lovely home-cooked meal and inviting me to your place. It have been a while since i had such a simple but heartwarming dinner.

2011-11-08T00:42:00.002+08:00

Do we have a future together?

2011-11-04T01:37:00.001+08:00

Manage to track back the blog which was created by my 3 mates and me 6 years ago.
It really amused me to read back on the stuffs which we wrote on the blog.
There is this particular entry which always make me smile. It is a list of the great couples which we define.

Great Couples
frankenstein and his creator
dr jekyll and mr hyde
princess fiona and shrek
batman and robin
batman and catwoman
tom and jerry
kermit and ms piggy
han solo and chewbacca
lois lane and superman
spiderman and mary jane watson
starsky and hutch
beauty and the beast
aladdin and abu the monkey
the phantom and katie
doremon and nobita
garfield and oldie

Smile!

2011-11-02T20:27:00.002+08:00

Settling in the comfort of my room with soothing music being played and a few glasses of Chilean Merlot to call it a night.
It is finally time to call for a little closure to yet another journey in the self pursuit of education. After a ~~gruesome~~ lovely two years of juggling between working in the day and lessons at night and sometimes spending time with the amazing one. Days can be rather hectic and tiring but yet an enjoyable one.

The days leading to the finals was nerve-racking and tormenting one. Lack of proper rest and inadequate knowledge of what is suppose to be tested. Sleepless nights with the occasional thoughts about her, wondering if there is still any hope in keeping the faith. Sometimes i wish for some sign, or some sort of enlightenment.

Quoting a friend; Good things are worth waiting for. In life, we don't always get what we want. It is only when we work hard for what we want, then it becomes something that we truly cherish. How do you define working hard, i asked? It could be refining of skills, perfecting of certain works or maybe improving our character. Sometimes, we may not be ready for what we want. In waiting, we learn patience, and we discover if we really want something that much, and how much we are willing to go the extra mile for it. As time passes, maybe our desire will fade away, but if not, we will be more ready to receive when the time is ripe.
Truly wise words indeed.

Education isn't much about preparing yourself to enter the working society but rather it put you in an interesting mix of human dynamics and help you figure out who you truly are and how you relate to the various characters in life. It harness your social skills and help you understand who are the ones that you can swing along and truly forge a friendship.
It is never friends for benefit but rather friends who are beneficial. Whom you know that you do not need to ask, but they will always be willing to be there in any aspects with clear lines drawn.
In this 2 years, i have met many and i can only say there are only a few who i am willing to embrace as friends. I am glad and it is a privilege to me. For what is the future remain untold, but i am sure with time to come, the friendship will not be forsaken.
Thank you my friends, for the precious time you have spent with me, the laughter that kept me sane, the advices which strengthened me. I am glad you shared your love as that is what kept me believing that humans are born with a selfless heart, and it is often a personal choice whether he choose to be selfless or selfish, to receive or to provide.

I am never someone who is good with numbers therefore i reckon theories are pretty much my cup of tea. I am glad i can be of some help to you guys even though it was the last semester. I hope i did well in my coaching and we will all sail through this course. Coaching and teaching is something i hold close to my heart, i believe that what i have taught might somehow be imprinted in your mind and that you will carry it forward to your future endeavors. Thank you for offering me this opportunity to help you guys, it was an honour.

To our friendship, cheers.

Having read the synopsis before Midnight of Paris was screen in the theaters, i know it is a must watch movie. I am certain it is a movie which you will love to watch. I intended to catch the movie alone as i know no one from my circle of friends who love such movie beside you and her. Midnight in Paris is a lighthearted movie that express the profound insights of living and it urge us to move away from our comfort and seek for what we truly desire. Being a nostalgic freak, i definitely love this movie.
I walk out of the theater feeling surreal and having a smile on my face.
When was the last time i had a smile on my face after a movie? That expression of mine is precious. Smile.

I have been readily giving out money to people who asked. I wasn't born rich and neither do i hold on to a job which offer me a 5 figure salary however i always believe in 'when you ask, you will receive and only if you deserve'. Poverty gap in Singapore have been expanding at a rapid pace, sometimes it saddens me to see little boys asking for money to buy some food. Homeless old man sitting by the pavement begging for some money. Therefore, i will give if i can but come to think about it, will they stop begging or asking when they had enough? Will they pay it forward and help others if one day they have extra or will they just keep asking and begging. To help can be a crime yet not to help can also be a crime.
Who deserve to be help and who don't?
I guess as long as i can help, why bother asking who should be help. I just hope that my little help will make their day a better one.

2011-10-30T15:16:00.000+08:00

Real learning gets to the heart of what it means to be human. Through learning we recreate ourselves. Through learning we reperceive the world and our relationship to it. Through learning we extend our capacity to create, to be part of the generative process of life.

- Peter Senge

2011-10-26T17:27:00.003+08:00

Writing is cathartic, that's what she said. Writing helps me to think, to reflect upon and to understand myself. It force you to think and usually when you start thinking in-depth, it eventually lead you in wanting to improve and be better in certain sort of manner. I started writing when i was fifteen, thoughts were penned in little secret books of mine which i still kept it. With the advancement of technology, i switched to blogging not with the intention of preaching my thoughts but rather due to the advantage of accessibility.

Born with a strong sense of curiosity, whenever i observed something that is inconsistent with or beyond my current knowledge, i will experience a tension that motivate me to close the information gap. I use to frequent coffee bean at forum every weekend to enjoy my solitary reflection and careful observation. That period of time was a catastrophe for me, no education, no financial insurance, no love, no job, fallen out with my family and on the verge of going on a route with no return. Every sitting at the cafe can take me a few hours and it is amazing how mind my can map out everything without any pen or paper at such lightening speed.

Contemplating on a choice will lead to analysing of the pro and cons of it. The resulting consequences and the indirect ripple of effect towards anyone surrounding me. If the choice did not work out, what are the ways which i can rectify it, and planning out a revival plan to the original choice. Layers and layers of information being process in my mind while i wasn't really in much of a control. The thinkerman, that is what i call myself. I love analysing and thinking however sometimes i might over-analyse till paralyse. I suppose this therapy of mind-working actually helps me to be assured of my own character and realise what are the certain values and principles of my life. Quoting what Steve Jobs had mentioned before, ‘You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future’. That is precisely knowing that what you are doing now constitute to where you will be in the future, so whenever we looked back, are we walking on the path which we wish we had and knowing that it will brings us to where we yearn for?

More often we are born with certain traits and characters however there are many encounters in life that actually help nurture you. Regrets often make you realise what you have missed out and advocate your desire in holding on to the opportunities and the people you have in life. Love motivates me, partly due to the way my life was shaped throughout my younger days and having a strong belief that love sustain all form of relationships, which is ultimately tangible in life.

The absence of your physical presence in my life now actually helps me to take a step back and understand the overall simplicity in this complex conjunction. I am relieved and happy because i know this episode in life is certainly going to help us bond stronger in the future.

Just like me, you are like no others.
We do not conform, and we do not settle for less.
We aspire to achieve but yet we are being held back by aplenty.
We fear for the future because we are uncertain.
We chose the route which others do not dare to take.
For i say, let no fear hold us back, as you say the world is our oyster.
Just like me, you are someone in the making.
Time will come when people will realise you are someone great.
To those who have cast their fingers upon us, berating our ethics and the choices we made, the day will arrive when they truly understand we are like no others.
We make the world a better one.
You and me, we are special.
Amazing when we intertwine.

Having said so much, in retrospect, a constant reminder to myself for what i have written a few years back. We expose to different, in order to experience, so to embrace and to learn, in order to help us to be better and refrain from committing the same mistakes.

These 3 simple words always keep me going strong.
The best way to understand about the way of life is to get yourself into constant exposure.
Move away from your comfort zone and get expose, throw yourself in the deep sea and learn how to swim.
In a society like ours when life is so competitive, what distinguish a person from the rest is his exposure in different avenues.
One can never allow himself to be one dimensional.
Exposure leads to new revelation in life.
Without exposure, life becomes stagnant and like the river that never flow, people will never grow.
Every new day is a good start in gaining more wisdom, cultivating oneself. Seek and strive for the best.

Experience the different exposure that you had in life.
Fill yourself with all the invigorating knowledge, and embark on a journey pack with amazing happenings.
Learn from your experience.
Place yourself in different situation and observe.
Allow your senses to come into play and feel.
Feel with your heart, observe with your sight and analyse with your mind.
Do not be afraid to reveal the inner emotions cause they are real, every little bit of it.
A person who is in control of his emotions is in control of his life.
Position yourself in others view, relate to others and envisage things in another perspective.

Embrace everything that is coming at you.
Embrace with your heart and soul.
To be honest, life is not like a bed of roses.
Somehow, sometimes, something will just screw you up.
So take everything in your stride and don't despair.
Accept yourself as who you are and embrace the indifferent personality of others.
Accept that there bound to be flaws in life and nothing is perfect.
Believe in the beauty of possible.
Allow yourself to be consume in the nature of beauty, slow down your pace and reach out for the fascination in life.

For all things in life, in order to achieve and live the dreams that you desire, sacrifices are just part of it. Impossible is nothing, it only depends on how much you want it.

2011-10-23T18:15:00.007+08:00

Quiet Sunday.
Seeking comfort in my room with the doors tightly shut. Notes scattered on the floor.
A slow and soothing song with no serious connotation, no interpretations.
I have never met anyone quite like you before.
I have never had such a strong belief that one day we will meet and intertwine again.
It is like everything is planned and something great is awaiting for us.
Tu es très belle quand vous souriez. Peu importe. Que sera sera.

Moby - Temptation

2011-10-19T13:06:00.006+08:00

A slight tug on my hand and i saw a pair of beaming eyes looking at me. "Shu Shu, Shu Shu", she called out. Seraphina, my youngest niece whose name is derived from the biblical word seraphim which was Hebrew in origin and meant "fiery ones". Contradicting to the origin, Seraphina is well mannered, lovely and soft spoken. Next came Scarlett, the elder sister, hopping into the room.
I was drag out of my bed by Scarlett with my eyes still closed and my mind still half dreaming. "Shu shu, where is Jie Jie, why is there a cloth covering up the frame?" I looked up and i brush her aside and both ran out the room.
I closed the door and look into mirror, 'three Smiles' to start the day, the usual routine if i manage not to rush out the house every morning.
Beneath the veil hold many stories and the black and white checkers don over the pixels of colours, till the day you are ready to unveil it.
I guess it helps by not looking at our photos even though i know i do think a lot about you.
It is 19th October 2011, as shown on my blackberry. 8 months ago on the 19th, it was the day when we decided to stick together and embark on a journey which we call our own. Despite parting ways, i know our hearts are forever linked but separated.
Plenty of times, i wish that there is a black hole to take in all my rage so that i do not have to unleash it in a fit of anger. There are times my words may sound totally illogical. I guess when you are emotionally driven, some words just don't make sense. There are times when i might have question you too much but it was because i am not being accounted in any ways. I have made many detours in life and took a longer route as compare to my mates however i am glad i had experienced plenty and it is through this experience, i am better and so much better.
The weather are looking good recently only with the occasional downfall and i am holding strong as it doesn't really affect me nowadays.

It does not matter what is happening over at your side because it is not within my control but I certainly hope you are living well.
If ever there is something which is within my control, it is my life and my choice.
I am happy to wait but not sure for how long and if one day when we do meet, i am sure we will fall in love again.

I am happy knowing that the days are looking great, the socialising, the meeting of interesting people, catching up with friends, the lunch dates and the party friends. Somehow i believe i am the starlight of a party, i pull people from different circle and help them socialise, mingle and keep them sane. Love it.
19th. Happy Day!. Smile.

2011-10-18T12:28:00.011+08:00

They were "twin primes" alone and lost, "close but not close enough to really touch each other - lonely individuals forever linked but separated."

Exactly how i felt.

'The solitude of prime numbers.' A story of missed opportunities.
Thank you for sharing this book with me. I am sure it will be a thought provoking read. Smile.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Interesting read on love and chemistry.

Throughout history, mankind has deemed the heart the center of love. But scientists tell us love is all in our mind or brain. And fueled by chemicals and chemistry.

Infatuation

When two people are attracted to each other, a virtual explosion of adrenaline-like nuerochemicals gush forth. Fireworks explode and we see stars. PEA or phenylethylamine is a chemical that speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells.

Also, involved in chemistry are dopamine and norepinephrine, chemical cousins of amphetamines. Dopamine makes us feel good and norepinephrine stimulates the production of adrenaline. It makes our heart race!

These three chemicals combine to give us infatuation or "chemistry." It is why new lovers feel euphoric and energized, and float on air. It is also why new lovers can make love for hours and talk all night for weeks on end.

This is the chemistry or the love sparks we all seek.

Actually when we have chemistry with someone, it's not exactly flattering. In fact, some might call it insulting.

Why? According to Harville Hendrix our brain dumps PEA when we identify someone who can:

1. Finish our childhood business.
2. Give us back what we lost to the socialization process of growing up.

Singles search for love armed with a list of qualities desired in a mate/lover, such as honesty, fidelity, loyalty, sense of humor, intelligence, warmth, etc. Yet when that person appears they say, He/she is a really nice person, but nothing clicked, just no "chemistry."

Unfortunately, we hear that click when we recognize our original parent/child situation. That's when our brain really gets those phenylethylamines and other chemicals moving.

Some people become veritable love junkies. They need chemistry or this chemical excitement to feel happy about and intoxicated by life. Once this initial rush of chemicals wanes (inevitable after six months to three years, depending on the individual and the circumstances), their relationship crumbles. They're soon off again, detectives seeking a quick fix to their forlorn feelings: another chemical high from infatuation.

These love junkies also have one other problem. The body builds up a tolerance to these chemicals. Then it takes more and more chemistry to bring that special feeling of love. They crave the intoxication of chemistry and infatuation.

Many adults go through life in a series of six-month to three-year relationships. If these love junkies stay married, they are likely to seek affairs to fuel their chemical highs.

Monogamy

Only about three percent of mammals are monogamous, mating and bonding with one partner for life. Unfortunately, scientists tell us humans are not one of these naturally monogamous mammals.

Maybe a few injections of vasopressin would help us. It has been called the monogamy chemical.

By isolating male voles before and after mating, scientists found that lifelong mating could be linked to the action of vasopressin. Before mating, the male vole is friendly to male and female voles alike. Within 24 hours after mating, the male vole is hooked for life.

When the chemical vasopressin kicks in, he is indifferent to all females but one. He is also totally aggressive to other males with a classic exhibition of the jealous husband syndrome.

Cuddling

The chemical oxytocin has been termed the cuddling chemical. Linked to milk production in women, oxytocin makes women and men calmer and more sensitive to the feelings of others.

It plays an important role in romantic love as a sexual arousal hormone that signals orgasm and prompts cuddling between lovers before, during, and after lovemaking.

Oxytocin production is derived from both emotional and physical cues. A lover's voice, his/her certain look, or even a sexual fantasy can trigger the release of oxytocin.

Attachment

When infatuation subsides, a new group of chemicals takes over. This new type of chemical reward is created by endorphins.

These morphine-like opiates calm and reassure with intimacy, dependability, warmth, and shared experiences. Not as exciting or as stressful as PEA, but steadier and more addictive.

The longer two people have been married, the more likely it is that they'll stay married. In part, they become addicted to the endorphins and marital serenity. It is the absence of endorphins that make long-time partners yearn for each other when apart. Absent endorphins also play a part in grief from the death of a spouse.

According to Mark Goulston, M.D., professor of psychiatry at the University of California at Los Angeles, "Adrenaline-based love is all about ourselves, we like being in love. With endorphins, we like loving."

Do you agree or disagree? Penny for thought.

http://www.cyberparent.com/love/love-being-in-love-1.htm

2011-10-16T16:34:00.002+08:00

My heart is mashed with emotions, belonging, heart-felt gratitude and loyalty. It is soft but bounded by a strong cold wall. You unveiled my defenses and left me reeling.
There are moments when i feel like walking away, but i guess the one lesson i have learn is that letting go of you and us is never got to be easy. I set all sort of timelines just to keep myself from being sane, somehow i guess i am just lying to myself.

Put everything aside, please kindly take a break and get well soon. Take good care. I would love to get you some fruits and nurse you back to full health. I know there will be a chance one day even if it is not now.

2011-10-15T23:57:00.004+08:00

Sometimes i believe i can be a real charmer.
Like a friend who told me this, "you can't please everyone but there will always be people who will be please by you, with you".
It is futile trying to please everyone so why not concentrate your effort on people who are worthy in your life.
I always believe i can charm anyone as long they open themselves to me, in the same case, i can never help someone if they choose not to be helped. Little pointers in life.
An unpromising friday ended up with a bang and plenty of spontaneous fun, i am glad you enjoyed the music and the dance. At least now you know i can still groove to the music and dance like a swan.
A night started off at Holland V. Longing to travel by the new circle line, walking through the station, knowing that i was part of the team which launched it was something i can't resist. Food was never something i crave for till you taught me how to savour in good food. Holland V was a disappointment, the streets were filled with people, bars are pack to the brim and somehow i just think we need more untouched drinking places to unwind after a long week.
Clark quay was called the 'Happy Town'. The interesting human dynamics, it is indeed a melting pot with people coming from all over the world with just one aim, to have fun. Settling down at my regular bar at a common table is always a good way to start the night. People watching, random chats, quiet observation and careful analysis of the people dynamics around us.
Interesting remarks and comments will pass over from the table of Caucasians sitting next to our table and we started making small talks. To my pleasant surprise, one of the lady is actually the owner of Tomato Pizza. Nata from israel who have been based in Singapore for 13 years was the owner of Tomato Pizza. She asked for my card and told me that she will drop by my restaurant one day. Thinking back, i should have told her that her pizza was one of the element that made our first sweet Sunday so magical.
The breeze, the night, the beer, the pizza, your gaze and your company.

Sensing my companion is feeling rather restless and bored at staring at me drinking. I initiate a 'one for the road' at another bar and we were unexpectedly drew to the place where we see queues. Walking through the crowd, we noticed many dressed in purple T-shirts with wordings scribble on the back of their T-Shirt and a bold caption 'MRT Pub Crawl' printed on the front of the T-shirt. To my understanding, it is an annual drinking event which university students will start off at Boon Lay MRT stations and get off at every passing MRT stations to savour a drink. Be it a pub, a coffeeshop or 7-11 as long they serve drinks. A night of mingle, network and making new friends and they usually end of at a club in the central of Singapore. A very original idea.
So we end up at where the queue was form and off we go to the dance floor with all the whole crowd swaying and grinding. Almost the majority on the dance floor are grooving with the music. We speak to a few who are dressed in purple and i notice many who are intoxicated. I spoke to a Caucasian who is happy enough to ask me out, and i was told by my companion that many had tried to gain her flesh. Afterall, that's what you get when you have 'hungry wolves' prowling on the dance floor, people with no self control, music that affect your judgement and alcohol that make you lose yourself. I reckon you just need to keep a little of your reserve self just to survive through out the night unscattered if you do not wish to wake up in the morning not knowing what have you done again.
It was fun and entertaining, watching, understanding and trying to embrace whatever that comes.
In the cab ride, everything was a silent and nothing was on my mind beside just wondering how small the world is, being able to meet the owner of the Tomato pizza and the making of the first sweet sunday.
Sometimes i reckon was it a dream in whatever that had happen. Sometimes i do blame myself for not working hard enough or not working smart. I guess in order to maintain a relationship, you need somehow a spark to ignite it, and a lot of wood to keep it burning. It takes effort to find the appropriate wood and feed it into the fire, fanning it at times, shielding it from the wind. It all takes effort.
Come December, i guess i will have the answer. We have never started from friends and i reckon we will never end as friends. I know my cause, and i know what i am seeking for. I can put you before me and sacrifice my fun just to know that we can make the world a better one with our hearts held together. I reckon you know how i function without even needing me to offer any define explanations and i know how you function without you even needing to comment on any details.
We will swan song to something magical.
Let me first work on what i truly call my own.
A brilliant weekend.

2011-10-13T14:13:00.003+08:00

Setting up for an offsite event is physically and mentally challenging. On the contrary, knowing that you can replicate the whole restaurant setting and ambiance in a totally new environment is always rather appealing.
Offsite event is not a job for the weak and uninspiring people. Site inspection are often conducted before the event date to understand the constraints and to brainstorm on how to offer a unique dining experience for the guests who will be attending the event. Sitting arrangements and the service flow are planned prior to the event and recruiting of temporary staff have to be done way before to prevent any last minute dropouts.
The day started off with organising and ensuring the equipments are all properly prepared. Unloading of equipments can take some time depending on how trolley friendly is the location. Porcelain wares, glass wares, tables, chafing pans, combi-oven, induction plate and many other equipments that will make the event works are brought out. There are times i thought i work as a mover but i reckon that is part and parcel of the job, which often people don't see it.
On site, a detailed brief are given to the staff to help them understand the layout. Different teams are assigned to handle different tasks.
The clock keeps ticking, it is not a job for the faint-heated when you know the time is running so fast and yet you need to ensure the precision of the settings, the elegance of the space and the creativity in laying out the buffet line. Think out of the box, that is what i always preached to my staff.
One must always be prepared for some last minute changes therefore flexibility is an important criteria. Often you can feel that there are many pair of eyes staring at you while you work due to the skeptical mentality of the host.
Forty five minutes before the event commencement is always our setup cut off time. 2nd round of briefing on the service quality, food on offer and the timeline of the event are advise to the staff.
Lastly, put on your best smile and know that every guests coming through that door are our friends.
Show time!!!
And i enter into the state of trance, forcing out all stray thoughts and only focusing on providing the best. Feeding on adrenaline, i dance across the floor with my tray smiling at the guest who whisks past. Like an elegant dancer moving through the tables subtly with grace, knowing what i do best is that i make people smile and i am sure this memory will last for a long time in their heart.

On a side note, i guess you are God sent. Thanks for offering to come by and help out with the event when i am so overwhelm and under-staffed.

2011-10-12T13:33:00.007+08:00

The sky looks dark and gloomy and when it finally open up, it didn't fall but it pours.
I stood there under the rain. Passerby with their umbrellas in hand, walking past hurriedly, giving me weird stares.
The cold hard rain, washes every sadness in me.
Let it rain, let it rain.
I guess i am one of the only few who understand you in depth and yet believe in you.
In a moment of folly, you might push everyone away.
In a moment of frustration, everyone might walk away.
However i still choose to believe in you and i know one day you will understand.
The reason why humans can co-exist and still survive all this while is because of this basic essence called love. Without love, we would have perished million years ago.
I watch with envy knowing that you are having so much fun with him and spending so much time with him. Righteously, i know he is just one of the many. A floating device for you, when you are struggling to stay afloat in the open sea. Even if it isn't him, there will just be another one. I reckon loving to experience and being absorb into an experience is two totally different matter entirely.
Pleasure and satisfaction is derive out of the effort you put in and knowing the end result will turn out well. We live today and make it a fulfilling one, knowing that tomorrow will be build on what we have done today.
I am swimming in the open sea against the current trying to reach out to you but you are just leaning on the floating device enjoying your comfort now without realising where you are floating to.
After all, i am made up of flesh and blood.
Dan, hang on. Hold firm. It is all worth it.
I believe in you.
Do you believe in me?
I will wait for you.
And it keeps pouring.
Let it rain, let it rain.
Smile.

2011-10-08T18:00:00.001+08:00

Keep chasing pavements.

2011-10-06T21:50:00.001+08:00

A constant struggle.
Sitting at my desk way past my working hours. The duel between the angel and the devil, trying to outsmart each other in order to sway me to their side.
Let me continue this another day.

Feeling super lethargic today. Feeling weak and helpless. Some people tell me to just move on but i choose to hang on. Days maybe erratic, nights interrupted by bizarre dreams. Sometimes i wonder am i even needed? I was told to throw a cold shoulder so that you will come chasing. However i know that is not what you need, you need someone to be there for you. There is no certainty, no guarantee. It might be one sided and one day you might move on. I suppose this is my decision, for the longest time in my life, i have never been so affirmed with a decision. I still have my route to walk, my dreams to achieve and my life to fulfilled. I will be there not begging for your return but showing you that we are meant to be.
Am i a love fool, or am i being dumb? That is for you to say.
Why do i stick to my decision in loving her and and just be there for her?
Ask me personally and i might tell you.
Need some sleep to cure my toxic stomach.
Hey sweetheart, rest early too.

2011-10-03T18:05:00.150+08:00

http://yourthoughtsmymuse.blogspot.com/
Your thoughts are my muse.
Simple.

Woke up with the sun shining through the window panes.
I sat up on my bed and i saw the many photos of us fixated in the photo frame.
Had a cold shower and head out to a place which i always been wanting to go.
The long train ride provides a quiet time for me to reflect on myself for the past few days but the tiredness just seems to make me space out while glancing at the passing trees.
I track through the unknown and i finally reach my destination. A long walk with no one but just the company of the trees and the burning sun. I love walking with you, it always seems like we can cover any distance as long we are walking together.
Wither but not forsaken, their name liveth for evermore. The once honorable and courageous men who fought and perished so that the others will have their freedom. A courageous me who will persist till the end, but when will i be honoured?
Lush green, open grass patch. I felt calm and tranquil whenever i set foot into a memorial, was it because everyone is solemn and dignified or was it merely my state of mind, the state of being serene.
A handful of people strolling instinctively, pausing and reading the carvings on the walls. I walk up the grass slope and settle under the shelter away from the blazing sun. A quiet spot with no distractions, just me and my book. Flipping through the pages, pausing occasionally, lost with no intentions.
The pleasant sunshine and the gentle breeze makes me doze of unknowingly. A tired mind and a weary soul, i guess i have tried hard enough and it's time to take a rest. Wandering away, i sat at different corners, looking upon the sky and every inch of it just seems so different. No replication, no duplication. Mother nature, forever beautiful and ever mesmerizing.
Lying on the grass, i gaze upon the sky. The rustle from the trees and the whistling of the breeze, sounds like a harmonise symphony. I remember dancing with you in the garden under the starlight, just me and you. A make believe dance floor with the crickets and the frogs providing the songs, it was short but dazzling. I place my hand across and i feel only the soft grass, just me lying there but hopefully you.
There was once i thought i can offer you happiness in a way which you will be satisfied yet i learn that happiness is self defined. Self satisfaction come first before reciprocation. After all, everything begins from your inner self. I close my eyes and i see your smile. The smile that lights up every part of my heart.
I lay there on the grass, definitely therapeutic.
The breeze, the greens and the tranquility.
I am not there to teach you how to live your life but i will certainly be there to catch, should you fall.
You are always on my mind.

2011-09-30T00:41:00.000+08:00

It is my fault.
A believer of achieving, setting out only if i believe it is attainable yet all is done and dusted.
Was i too demanding, too restricting or stifling?
I ask for commitment, i suppose that is a tough calling.
Constantly thinking, how can i make it better?
What didn't i do right?
It is me, isn't it?
Question brings no answer, pressing brings no resolution, asking returns no favour.
How am i suppose to make things work?
Streaming through my mind, beyond my control.
Everything, i reckon.
Loser, i am not.
I am ultimately forsaken.
Why me, why us?

2011-09-28T16:50:00.006+08:00

Amidst the constant moving crowd.
I stood still. Frantically glancing around, trying to spot your delicate face.
Crowd streaming through the gantry, hurried towards different direction.
My heart skipped a couple of times while anticipating the moment of your arrival.

The beautiful memories flashes back and i remembered that night when our sight crosses path.
Amazing, that was the first word that came across my mind.
Bedazzled not by your beauty but by your absolute charm. My eyes linger every time you walk past and when i see your smile it light up every part in my heart.
Having lost touch with the game, i never know how I plucked up the courage to ask you out.
We meet, we talk and we held on fast.

The breeze swept across our face, a can of beer and a slice of pizza.
We sat on the white sandy beach with no one around, my heart beat harmonise perfectly with the erratic beats playing from a nearby bar.
I knew i have fallen in love. The sweet Sunday and the many sizzling Saturday.
Heart wrenching when i knew you are engaged and i thought that is the end before we even begin. I dare not try as i am afraid.
We met again and we got closer. I drew hope from your optimism and i look forward to meeting you as often. Addicted to you, that is an understatement.
I was sceptical but i thought i am the only man for you. I forced out all rational thoughts and i stick my guns out.
Nineteen, the day when we are intertwined. Love. Something which you can't take for granted.
The pursuit was a challenge and the maintenance was an even greater challenge. I knew you are the lady in my life and i will do my utmost to love you and care for you. We embark on our mindless escapades, filled with fun, tears and laughter. We make a perfect couple. We attract people into our life and never were there anyone who thinks we are incompatible.
You are like the shifting sand, filled with ideas, motivated by fun and experiences.
I am like the flowing river, forceful with determination, intrigued by the ever flowing of thoughts and insights. I thought i understand you like the back of my hand. For a moment, that is what i thought.

Between the sheets, we made sweet love. The natural scent from your body pulls me closer to you. I sink my lips into your luscious lips and the many passionate kisses that soon followed. I traced my fingers along your beautiful contours and you fondle my back with your tender touch. I nibble on your lovely bosom and you went down right under. Throughout the night, we embraced and we made love. An ecstasy that i have never had before.
Love made we.

The many words we have spoken the promised which we have made. The plans we have affirmed and the dreams we spoke about. The pledge of love we offered to each other and i knew you are the one.

So we parted, just a phone call from miles away. I see it coming, i swear. From the day when i received the bizarre email and the constant cold shoulder which you put on. I know it is a matter of time. I wish we could have last because we are the amazing couple who can magnetised any others.

That was the moment, i am lost in my thoughts and the crowd still stream through the gantry making their way to the exit. I stood still there, carrying that faint hope that i will see you once again.
I love you my fine lady.
Come home when you feel tired, rest your love on my shoulder and i will still be waiting.

2011-09-27T01:55:00.001+08:00

I am sad.
Muffled myself under the blanket.
Tearing.
I couldn't fight it out.
I bear not.
Tough for you and for me.
I realise.
I just need you now.
No point.
Linger a little while.
Starting from zero with nothing to lose.
Where were we in the first place?

2011-09-23T13:37:00.002+08:00

Any place you love is the world to you, but love is not fashionable anymore, the poets have killed it. They wrote so much about it that nobody believed them, and I am not surprised. True love suffers, and is silent.
- Oscar Wilde

2011-09-23T00:16:00.000+08:00

Days are looking good. Hope yours are good as well.
Tired time ahead, but i will struggle through it.
Man are made to overcome adversity.
Patience is something i lack and i suppose now is a good time for me to cultivate this virtue.
Another good friday tomorrow,i know it will certainly be better than the week before.
Rest my mind, body and soul.
I deserve a break, so to work harder again.
Life is good! Big smile.

2011-09-20T22:25:00.002+08:00

Never mind what I knew, it doesn't matter now. Who I was without you, I can do without.
Never mind who I was, it doesn't matter now. Who I will be in the future, will be for you.

Your thoughts are my muse.
Wish to know what is in your mind.
Embrace you once again.
To listen your to your heartbeat,
and to hear your voice from within.
I miss you as always.
Let's talk love.
May i?

2011-09-12T00:56:00.006+08:00

The weekend have been rather kind.
A sizzling Saturday and a sweet Sunday.
Had a long walk by the beach, just love the sweeping breeze and the gushing of the waves.
Took time to reflect upon my actions. No over-analyzing just being honest with myself.
Aggressive i can be, when things are not within my control i hide in my cave and keep finding a solution.
Often i drive my point across not knowing if the party are willing to even listen. I reckon it often lead to undesirable results. Control is a fundamental thing in my life, it is my belief that everything should be in control.
I might be wrong with regards to being in control as it does not seems to help me gain any foothold in certain things in my life.

Had a chat with a friend recently, i was told that her parents have never control her life in any ways. I was rather surprise as she have a rather traditional family. I asked what was the reason and was told, every one have their choices. It only takes a moment of revelation to make them realise what do they want in life.
I guessed i have learned, to be in control is being able to let go and having the trust, even if they failed, just be there supporting them.

Being brought up in a family with not much choices in life. It shape me in a certain manner. It help me to understand that if it is a matter of choice and i am certain i want it, i put my every effort into it. However if it is by force, i rather not do it.
Aplenty of choices and options, impossible is nothing, it is always how much you want it. Words and actions are two worlds apart, actions reinforce the words we say. It is an irony that i mention this when sometimes i just don't act on it.

While the breeze kept sweeping against my (thinning) hair, i recognize that i have come this far, despite starting slower than most people. Through my journey i met many friends and it is surprisingly heartwarming when you know that even when i haven't been in contact with the many friends which i have met. There are still some which take the effort to send me a text message during my birthday.
On my birthday this year, i received a text message from a course mate who i met while pursuing my diploma. It is a pleasant surprise that she actually remembered my birthday even after these years. I asked her and she told me she actually have it saved in her address book. I was truly touched but wonder why did she save it since we were not really in contact. She said, "i remember you as someone who is very helpful and you have helped me in some ways".
I was taken aback.
Gratitude. A word often forgotten.
I know i have not shown my gratitude often enough to the people who i am close with, however i know i will never forsake the people who are close to me. It takes a heart bigger than life to embrace the actions which i have done therefore i am certain that i have to pay it forward in embracing others for what they have done as well.

There are times when i am forced to act in a certain ways or to perform in a manner which i detest and everyone who is close to me seems to want a piece of me and sometimes it can be rather annoying. However i understand that their intention is for my good and even though they might not perceive the issues in my life in the same manner as me but they have never wanted me to fail.
I am thankful for those who have been part of my life but it doesn't mean that i am going to rest on my laurels and be contented. Quoting from someone close to my heart, "The world is our oyster". I am constantly searching but ultimately an endless search without a concrete plan in mind is never going to get me far. I can be traveling around the world but still failed to find out what i want because i have never know what i really want. I reckon, take a step at a time, complete what i have on hand before embarking on another search.

I am glad i have come this far but the best have yet to come. Wait for it.
A legendary week ahead with great fun.

2011-09-10T00:26:00.001+08:00

Matthew 6:34.
So why worry when there are so much on our plate everyday.

2011-09-07T17:30:00.000+08:00

When the dark clouds pass, a beautiful rainbow is form.
We all make mistakes and we all fall.
We tear and we smile.
At the end of the day we rest our heart and mind.
Awake comes another day of trial and tribulations, yet with joy and sadness.
Do not despair as we know there will be one fine day when everything will turn out well.
Keep trying.

2011-09-05T00:31:00.000+08:00

Miles and miles apart.
Tough, it is.
I wish i can be wherever you are.
No replacement.
I would not succumb to any moment of folly as people who have self control are ultimately achiever in life.
When it all draw to a close, i am sure we will have plenty of fun together.
Be it back home or anywhere, intertwined, we sail.
Across the universe.

2011-09-01T12:34:00.002+08:00

I love withdrawing cash from UOB bank as they always display inspirational quotes to lighten your day. I am not sure if this is a ploy to create subliminal messages in order to attract people in withdrawing cash from their automatic teller machine.
Anyway, these quotes capture my imagination.

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies. - Mother Teresa

Intense love does not measure, it just gives. - Mother Teresa

Received 2 books this birthday. After having done with the first, 'The Social Animal', a thought provoking read. I am moving forward to a light hearten book, 'The Last Lecture'.

An extract that keeps me thinking; When you are frustrated with people, when they have made you angry, it just maybe you haven't give them enough time. It take great patience and in time to come, they will show you their good side. Everyone has a good side. Look for the best in everybody.

Always keep the faith and the trust strong.

2011-08-31T16:58:00.002+08:00

Fuel my life, work and people around me with my positive energy!
Accept my shortcomings and magnify my strengths.
Stay humble, but keep sharing and helping.
With confident, i find myself.
To achieve what i aspire to be.

2011-08-28T00:39:00.002+08:00

Inner Peace

2011-08-23T21:53:00.112+08:00

Love is not a form of emotion but rather a form of motivation. With love, some people flourish and accomplish. Ultimately, is this form of motivation a desirable one or a distracting one. In love we all expect some sort of return. Level of expectations varies and by satisfying the other party does not necessary mean that you are being satisfy. Offering what you think is appropriate does not mean that it is adequate for the other party. We all speak different languages and we should speak what the others prefer to hear than what we wish to convey.
Bizarre. I am still as clueless.

Influence shapes a person behaviour and their subconscious mind set. Having been through my younger days, i have my fair share of indescribable fun and joy. The perception of having fun alter as we grow. Back than, life was about being free, searching for the answer and trying to belong. The booze, the party and the endless random people which i have met. For now, life is about achieving and being accountable, accountable to oneself and to the people you love. Every actions often set off a ripple of effects, more often the people around us receive the deepest impact as compare to us.
The booze and the party certainly took a toil on my physical and inner aspects. The hangovers and the lost of appetite. I remembered vividly on the 2nd day of the lunar chinese new year, i met up some mates for drinks at a local bar. The challenge of the night is to finish a bottle of whiskey in 15 minutes.
4 brave men.
It took us just a mere 5 minutes for us to knock down 1 entire bottle of whiskey. That's right. 5 minutes.
I was rather self shock as well, and we had 4 bottles of whiskey that night before heading to a club. No prize given for guessing what happen next, one dude got drunk outside the club and we literally have to drag him home.
Influence cause us to have a similar group think therefore we think that it is norm to be drunk. Foolish.
I have my fare share of drunkard madness and my mates have theirs. Looking back, i am not sure what did i achieve but at least i have the record to boast about. Nothing to be proud of but just some silly memories. The younger days.

As i grow, drinking is still very much a part of my life. I indulge in good beer and have fun in great company. However with age and experience, i learn to hold my alcohol and am blessed with a high tolerance. I often witness people over drinking and start sprouting nonsense and behaving in an unruly manner which they wouldn't have done if they are sober.

In the glass or in the stomach.
To watch or to be watched.
To fool others or to be the fool.

Alcohol benefit us in many ways, it help loosen our inhibition and draw us to converse in an entire different level. Alcohol helps to break the ice between new people. Alcohol helps you to relax and calm your nerves after a long day of work. However excessive drinking, cause us to ramble nonsensically and debate over illogical facts and issues.
Being someone who is comfortable among people, chatting up strangers in the bar is a very common thing. I enjoy the casual chat with no serious connotation, having someone to drink along and understanding the way of life from their views and perception. And when we call it a night, a friendly handshake and a genuine smile.
No tired mind or blur visions.

Ultimately, what is the objective to drink? To have a good conversation? To be part of a group? To escape from certain issues? Or to just enjoy your drinks after a long day? I reckon it is always about the conversation.

In life i constantly draw my lines, if lines are not drawn we will never be sure about our limits and we can never proclaim we have tried our best.
It is never how much you can drink but rather how well you can hold.

2011-08-19T20:59:00.000+08:00

Having been in the service industry all these years. I have encounter numerous incidents and mishaps. Looking back, it is an industry filled with different personalities and multiple facets. Intriguing yet disgusting. There is no perfect word to describe this industry.
However at the end of the day i still love this industry.
The smiles and the beautiful minds.
In time to come, i will share my thoughts.

2011-08-18T01:13:00.003+08:00

The human mind.
Often intrigues me.
We are bounded but flesh and blood, and we are after all human beings.
We made mistakes and it is often through these mistakes we realise who we are and what we want.
I have made plenty of mistakes in life. I am not a righteous person in anyone eyes but i learn and be better. I accept my flaws and i work on it.
Through the course of self discovery, i failed often.
I put on layers of facade to prevent prying eyes from knowing my vulnerabilities.
You managed to peel them all. You have seen the worse part of me and you still stick to me.
In love, sometimes the things you do for the other party shows a lot but it is you who make me realise that faith and trust is what keeps it going.
Trust, it is a word which is rather foreign to me. I do not offer my trust easily as i believe trust is earned but not asked.
And it is you who help me to start learning how to trust.
I am critical by nature but it is you who mellowed me. To think with a calm mind before i stick out my guns.
The persistent me hate leaving things hanging, if there is a problem, i will retreat and plot out the solutions. The optimistic you always forgive and look at the bright side. You made me recognize the fact that sometimes problems just can't be solve.
Sometimes i wonder why didn't you kick my ass when i am at fault but i realise you leave me to myself to sort it out.

It is you, who make me realise.
To understand myself from another perspective.
It is you, who i will remain steadfast.

Sometimes i wonder why do i always miss you so much.
Because it is "you".

2011-08-07T01:51:00.003+08:00

A peculiar me.
It is hard for someone to understand me.
The constant thoughts that are going through my mind make me seems like a problem solving machine.
I start thinking even before a problem happens and i always anticipate 3 steps ahead for any situation which is important to me.
However too much constant thinking cause me to have many stray thoughts. With a simple situation, it can lead me to mapping out as many possible positive or negative conclusion to it. Trying to identify what is the perfect solution for those positive or negative conclusion.

A sensitive me.
It is tough for someone to relate to my inner soul.
I yearn to relate, to try my best to listen and empathize.
The sensitive part of me, wishes that humans can place others before themselves. Offer their part before even ask.
I try to please the important people in my life and i am sure many have tried to please me since i am part of their life. Sometimes i might ask for too much but if i don't ask, i will never have it.
A little too sensitive for many to accept.

An opinionated me.
I am outspoken and never back down. To plenty, they feel i am bizarre.
I make my point across not because of self ego or wanting to be agree upon. I make my point to be heard, to be debated and to understand the views of the other party. I speak with no fear and i think with no restrictions but somehow people makes me feel like i am an idiot because i do not conform or rather i speak to much.

A man in me.
I am the life of the party. I keep conversations following and i try to keep the neglected a part of it.
I like feeling important, dependable, and i love being rely on.
On the contrary, i hate being neglected and cast as an afterthought.
I lead and preach for i feel that i have the capabilities.
Some look up to me, as the lighthouse in the dark cold ocean.
Many harbour on me, as a stopover before their continual search for the limitless.
In the eyes of many, i might just be another man but i would love to prove that i am the man who hold everything together.

In the eyes of her, i believe i am someone special. I try to better myself as i know complacency ruin any relationship. On a hindsight, complacency do creeps in and make us take things for granted. My constant ramblings strained the relationship occasionally but i am glad she is graceful to accept my flaws. The demands which i have is like a king who crave for the best of everything but i do reflect on the things i have done and the words i have said.
I am after all unique.
I am thankful for this special angel.

It is always a fine line between pursuing your interests and keeping the interests of your loved ones in mind.

Always on my mind.

2011-08-01T20:13:00.000+08:00

With your words, i promise to stay committed and never give up.
The day will be beautiful tomorrow and i guess i know what is the best way out.
Thank you for being with me through my emotional period of time.
I never know it is so hard not to have you around.
Achieve what you aspire to be and i shall set foot on my own journey.
Meet you halfway there.

2011-08-01T01:56:00.003+08:00

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."
It may sound cliche but it might seems true to most people.

Long distance relationship is something very foreign to me, not even mentioning relationship itself. Living in the same world but world apart. It is how strongly you believe that make it work.

Being someone who have never been through a relationship, not because of fate but rather out of choice. I have no wise words to say.
I gave in too much in the past and the one told me i am not the one. I am trying to demand a little now but the one told me i am not giving her space.

I ask how much space but i got no answer. I ask myself should i not care but i can't do it.

It's not easy when you are alone, i totally understand. I am being alone and though i have friends i still look towards you as my only priority.
Love don't come easy.

When i told plenty i am on a LDR, you see the disapproval on their face, the slight frowning on their face. I question and they speak not much. I believe it will all work out because i know i gave everything but they told me it is not how much you give. Love is always out of your control and i pondered. If it is out of my control, should i let loose and not care, be there only when she need. It is something i am still puzzled.

I just want to feel important.

Well, you just told me that i should know you. You like to win and even after winning for the past years of your life and yet you didn't achieve anything significant, at least you have won and you found satisfaction in it.

I admit.
You have won even before the competition have started because i have fallen head over heels for you and no matter how much i show my displeasure, i will still give in. At the end of the day, i love you that's why i give in and apologise. There is no right or wrong in a relationship. I will swallow all the pride and ego just to love someone.

I love you.
I wish i will gain the wisdom one day just to say, "LDR is something which can be done as long as both put in the same amount of effort". I have done it, so can you.

2011-07-12T00:47:00.000+08:00

The bus ride back.
Neon orange light beaming from across the street.
I see your reflection cast upon the glass.
Reminiscing about our first meeting.

2011-07-10T00:53:00.003+08:00

Nights without you seems long and weary.
Days without you is mundane and ordinary.
An intense six months have come to a close.
Captivated by your alluring charm and your gracious heart.
You undress my soul and took a huge part of me away.
You left for a good cause and here i am trying my best to adapt to the life i once live.
The occasional flashback of the laughter that we both shared makes me yearn for you even more.
The infrequent squabbles and disagreement make me realise we are after all passionately in love.
You make me better and i will take this time to better myself, for you.
I am glad that i have you.
If ever i was told to seek for a purpose in life, i will let that purpose be you.
I am certain, at the end of this journey apart, we will meet again, we will love again and we will love like we are never apart.

Staring at our photo till i fall asleep. You make my world complete.

2011-05-04T13:50:00.002+08:00

The more i love you, the harder i push you away.
Actions from the past do not consitute to actions that will happen in the future.
Without a doubt, i trust you.
It have never come to a point which i feel that i should let go.
Though there are moments when negative thoughts just flood your mind, telling yourself, maybe, i am not good enough, i am not magnanimous enough to forget, or maybe i just need time.
Even if i have the thought of letting go, i know i can't.
It is purely out of my love for you which i can't.
It is the past which i know i shouldn't rack up.
I know everything in life happen for a reason, we sccummb to a moment of folly.
There is just part of me which i can't bring myself to accept the way which it happen.
Nothing can be erased but there are things which we can do to ensure that it is never brought up again.
To disassociate ourself to whatever that have happen.
Have i not love you enough? Have i not done enough?
I did but in a different way which you might envisage. I don't wish to be holding you and at the back of my head i start thinking about it.
Help me to work this out. I knew i am selfish.
We are both wrecked.
I just hope we can work things out.
I need to condition myself to alter the way i believe, to change my values towards certain issues in life.

Je t'aime plus que tout mais de toute façon il juste monter sur moi. J'ai vraiment pas le choix.

2011-04-13T13:16:00.002+08:00

Without a doubt.

2011-03-01T00:57:00.002+08:00

In you, i feel.
With you, i strive.
Upon you, i motivate.
Having you, i'm blessed.
You.
Challenged me.
You.
Completes me.
You.
My everything.
You.
Swept me away.

S.

2011-02-08T00:43:00.006+08:00

Often the decisions we made indirectly affect the impression of others toward us.
Actions which we do cause others to assume the worse of us.
Simplicity in a complex mind. Circumstances are often simple but people's perception and speculation do make things complicated.
"Love, just me and you, it is simple."
We live in a simple world but complicated by our own thoughts, deliberations and inference.

Everyone start from somewhere. To nail someone down without even offering the person to fight for what he call his own is just plain cruel. Everyone deserve a chancce.
Allow yourself the opportunity to better understand someone because what matter most is the character of a person rather than the superficial aspects of him.
What is the measure of a man?

We will make each other better.

2011-02-04T04:24:00.001+08:00

A night!
Bizzare circumstances.
First step.
Meaningful conversation.
That smile.
To the best.

2011-01-27T17:26:00.002+08:00

Do not fear, because fear is paralysing.
To believe, you have to let go.
To have faith, you need to trust.
It is a tough situation.
A situation that no one will prefer to be in.
Abundance of choices put you in a dilemma.
We can't have the best of both worlds.
Every choice leads to a certain possibility, and to make the best out of your choice is to believe in the possibility.
Sometimes people just do not understand the difference between relationship and companionship.
I have made my choice.
Meet you halfway there.

2011-01-22T19:14:00.002+08:00

Emotions or logic.
Let go or carry on.
Selfish or selfless.
I need to get it off my chest.
It just doesn't seems right.
All's fair in love and war.

2011-01-18T16:16:00.001+08:00

Ma belle dame. J'aimerai avoir une chance de vous poursuivre dans la bonne manière.
Je déteste ce sentiment quand je sais que je suis tombé, mais je ne peux pas l'aider. Je suppose qu'il ya seulement deux possibilités, soit je choisis de marche ou nous finissons par être dans l'amour. Je préfère cette dernière.

2011-01-17T19:18:00.000+08:00

I am just an ordinary person.

2011-01-12T12:14:00.004+08:00

Life is full of transitional phase.
You never know what is in store for you with the every step you take.
Humans are bad at predicition especially in predicting what they want.
I lack the courage when it comes to certain matters and often it takes more than courage to make things work.
It is not as simple as it seems and it will never be simple.

2011-01-10T16:08:00.002+08:00

Looking out the window pane.
Clouds forming, roaming and evolving.
Droplets of rain splattering right on the window pane.
Dancing in a synchronized and choreographed manner.
Mesmerizing and captivating but somehow it just set off an overwhelming flow of emotions in me.

The days are over.

Positive outlook for this year to come.

2011-01-09T01:57:00.003+08:00

Hate my lifestyle.
It is really an irony saying that. Afterall i swear by my drinks.
It is never ending. Always telling myself, one for the road.
Sometimes i really wish that i can spend my time doing things even more meaningful. Going for the voluntary trip i always crave for. Spending the money i spent on alcohol on other stuffs more meaningful.
I am a poor student, like i always say.
Poor in monetary but rich in experience?
I dare not proclaim that, as for everyday is just another day of learning and understanding. Understanding that i can't go on living life like what i am doing.

It was really an amazing 3 days. Having the chance to meet someone who can totally sweep you off your feet.
Totally.
Her personality, her attitude. The way she speaks, the way she sway. The subtle swagger in her speech but without the arrogant note.
I am glad i met her.

It was great.

2010-12-11T03:46:00.004+08:00

Fragile, yet so fragile.
The thin fine line.
Even though he is just an acquaintance, but truely a man of honour.
A humble man, a man that left with no words.
We aren't that close but i feel. I feel it.
Fragile. How fragile can it be. Distance apart.

I envisage. I see. I imagine.
With no certain possibilities.
With no definite evidence.
Never with guarenteed prospects.

I feel but i maybe wrong.
I wish but it may not be certain.
Are you?
I ain't sure cause i am afraid to be the fool again.
I yearn to hear more.
From you, speak a little more.
Communication.
Unbind yourself.
Listen, i shall. Share and you will hear.
Nurture.
I will, will you?

2010-12-01T01:35:00.002+08:00

Enneagram

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Type 3	Image Focus	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Type 4	Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|	14%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%

Your main type is 1
Your variant is social

Main Type	Overall Self

2010-11-17T01:52:00.005+08:00

Some people call it a game. A game of high risk.
But i am someone who don't agree it is a game but i definitely agree it is full of risk.
Risk due to multiple factors and different aspects.
When it comes to showing affection and letting the other party know, i really wish i have the courage to just take the 'leap of faith', just like those charismatic actors in a love movie.
I admire people who do not think twice and just profess. I will love to, but thoughts of me thinking i am way too agressive or being afraid of ruining the frendship that we have, got me contemplating.
It's not a beautiful love story.
It's never about the physical look that meet the eye and certainly it's not about love at first side.
Chemistry.
How do you define?
And why should i contemplate so much?

People want to be loved and love but most of the times they do not dare to embrace the love because they know it is never a fairytale.

2010-10-18T03:06:00.001+08:00

You might believe that you need to understand another to love them. The truth is you need to love them to understand them.

2010-10-15T11:39:00.002+08:00

It has always been a mystery.

Amazed by how much time i spent pondering and how much 'what if' which can be generated in my head in a single day.

I reckon that the excessive thinking is affecting the satisfaction in my life.
When more is less.
I start to realise in my constant pursuit of meaning and purpose, inevitably i am casting more doubts and dissatisfaction to myself.

Follow the path of a the blind, for they say the blind do not see with their eyes but with their heart.
Follow the route of the fools, for they say the fools walk with no purpose or thoughts.

I choose the route that i deem right but i know it might not the the route that most man will travel.
All i wish for is to be able to chance upon a soul mate and carry on with this route of discovery.

2010-10-10T02:41:00.002+08:00

When what people want to do depends on what everyone else wants to do, every decision affects every other decision and there is no outside reference point that can stop the self-reflexive spiral. - James Surowiecki

Social conformity. With the imperfect pieces of information we have and when decisions are not made concurrently. There is a tendency for people to sccumb to social conformity as most people are risk averse.

2010-09-17T01:56:00.000+08:00

The dim lilted path.
The sound of the breeze.
The splashing sound from the rising tide.
The roaring noise from the
plane that fly beyond.
Don’t you just love the lonely ride.

Away from the tranny of over-whelming choices.

Sleep don't weep.

2010-09-12T00:08:00.004+08:00

"To fly, we have to have resistance" - Maya Lin

I desperately need a breakthrough.
What are the sacrifices in life i should make and what is the outcome that i am seeking for?
Contentment like everyone says.
After all these years, i am glad i have many great friends to lean upon.
But what is the ultimate aim i am reaching for?
Sometimes i wonder do i ponder excessively?
For i know i am someone who will act determinedly when i know what i am striving for.
But right now, it is all vaguely defined.

It's an irony, how much people want to be in love, to feel loved yet do not dare to embrace love.

2010-09-07T00:25:00.002+08:00

Bedazzled by her charm.
Her sophistication allures me.
When i see her.
Incessant attraction.
Let it unfold.
With the impression vividly imprint.
Let me dream of her.
Let me gaze into her eyes for one more time.
When i see her.

2010-08-19T00:27:00.002+08:00

Stretched.
It's been time since i am this stretch for time.
It can be pretty taxing but somehow i am enjoying it.
The learning journey, the route of rediscovering.
Moving forward constantly but there are times i will stop.
Not to catch a breath but rather to determine if i am right on track.
Reflect.
Reflecting on the days that had past.
Incidents and moments.
The walk, the thought.
Envisage the beautiful expedition.
Anticipating that day.

That day.

2010-08-17T01:10:00.002+08:00

I had a great sunday, followed by a beautiful monday.
The pleasure of giving.
A little focus is just what i need.

Inspired me to write.

2010-07-13T01:51:00.001+08:00

I am not sure where i am heading.
Again.

2010-05-25T02:19:00.005+08:00

Technology impaired human senses and deprived them off humanity. Living in the information age, we are constantly overwhelmed by plenty of information. Most of them are of importance however the rest of them are purely unnecessary.
Day by day, we live among the technology enhancements that we created. We surrounded ourselves with the technological equipments in order to amplify our lives.
Slow is a word most humans detest and in the near future might be a word that will be unheard of.
It takes no effort for anyone to simply twitter at this moment, checking his email at the same time, concurrently sending messages while doing all these listening to his ipod and taking the escalator down to another level in just a short span of time. Will one prefer the sound of the wind or rather the tunes playing on their ipod?

When was the last time you walk with a spring in your step and enjoy all the beautiful nature elements that we always take for granted?

Technology undermines a human basic ability of allowing their senses to come into play and therefore unable to absorb the untold, unseen meanings in everyday life. The nature of human interaction is alter in so many ways which allow multiple conversation to progress in a single moment. However it removes the basic essence of pure conversation which involve not only how people communicate and relate but their ability to listen, to observe and to empathise. Proper communication is the key to all healthy relationship. Without communication, lack of understanding occurs and humans will be less willing to embrace.

When was the last time you did nothing but just sat down to have a proper conversation with someone important?

Although technology is suppose to expedite our everyday life but at the same time it has caused us to constantly waste our time to sieve out the relevant information that we need. Multi-tasking, an unhealthy habit cause by the evolvement of technology affects the quality of life. Working on multiple assignments or doing many things concurrently deprived humans the time to think and dispossessed them the ability to think out of the box. Since the world is created, everyone have 24hours a day but why is that an issue now which most people feel they are always behind time, hoping that they will have more time. Is this due to the failure in time management or the distraction cause by the overloading of information? So without time, can we conclude most humans stop thinking or they will only think if they have time. Will one spend half an hour of their time lying on the bed reflecting about their day of life before sleeping or rather spend half an hour doing meaningless things in front of their computer till their eyes shut themselves.

Time to think is not a luxury, it is a necessity.
Think with action, act with thought.
Slow is fast, fast is slow.
Always take time out to think even if it is just a minor decision as it will always have a certain impact on our life.

When was the last time you spend the whole day by a side walk cafe doing nothing but just wonder, ponder and think?

Now you know why i love taking the train ride with no earphones just to enjoy the early morning symphony conducted by the fellow commuters.

In Brave New World, published in 1932;
Aldous Huxley wrote, "People are never alone now...We make them hate solitude, and we arrange their lives so that it's impossible for them to have it."

2010-05-10T02:50:00.004+08:00

I find it hard to say.
People running in circle, in a never ending circle.
I want to feel the way everyone feels.
Looking at the people who look at me, wondering whoever who look at me ever know me.
Desperately.
If ever by drinking, by closing my eyes, feeling it.
It means giving up.
Maybe i dream a little too big, a little.
Dreaming in a way which i believe what is best.
Drinking.
The creation from humans for god.
To drink without excuses, without reasons.
For those who speak are deem abnormal, as for those who confine are souls who should exist.
Wine and cigarettes.
They make you believe.
Alcohol gives me the pain in the head.
Cigarettes stink.
Just another day, just breathe, just struggle.
I am use to being in the bottomless pit.
I am use to it by now.
I am trying to be where i am.
Secretly.
Maybe i am just falling apart.
Fall asleep, let me not wake up.
Let me realise i am eminently better than who i am.
Time does not wait but for those who believe.
I will.
I am.
Sincerely.

2010-04-30T02:29:00.000+08:00

The long walk.

2010-04-22T03:44:00.002+08:00

2010-04-12T03:57:00.000+08:00

It takes time to know someone and it takes double the time to know someone who is trying to be nice to you.
First impression counts, but it do not last. There are times the chance of meeting a new person may motivate you to have a stronger interest in wishing to know the person better.
But like all normal humans, we gradually lose interest in the person when we are able to tell the person apart.
Every so often, our perception of the person may change but somehow this new perception will not ignite the sparkle like how our path cross when we first met.
Occassionally, because of some flaws that seeps into your mind frame.
You start to develop prejudice against them.
Yet at times, you realise there is still humanity in them.
There are just so much we can understand about someone.
Humans always disappoint, but to choose to either believe in them or forsake them is just a matter of a simple choice.
I believe.
Not only myself but in them as well.

2010-02-28T23:54:00.001+08:00

In a discussion, consultation and building consensus should be the key. Intellectual interactions expedite discussion. Allow the understanding of differences rather than belittle another party. Think out of the box instead of placing restrictions. Time is important but if one do not embrace others and try to understand from their point of view, time will ultimately be wasted. Facilitate others and bring them in to the conversation, without their sincere input, one might as well work alone.

2010-02-20T03:11:00.002+08:00

Was home in the cab after a whole day out helping with an event.
This memory just flash through my mind. It was not someone nor some incident.
But merely a few images in a comic book.
Remembering very vividly, just a few small boxes with black and white images.
There was this character who came and urge this guy dressing like a chef during a basketball match, while cutting some white carrot.
He said this, 'Do you want to be like the mudskipper who can choose to swim but yet stuck in the mud'. it's your choice.

I know it's random.
But people, would you rather to be stuck in the same stuff everyday and complain about it rather than find out what's the real meaning or purpose for you in life?
It take courage, far more than it.

Do i have it?

2010-02-13T04:25:00.001+08:00

I'm not a client.
That is just so wrong.
Speak to me, rationale with me before i forsake.
Think twice will you?

2010-02-10T00:38:00.002+08:00

I guess my snap judgement of a person is rather accurate at times.
The intuition base on my personal insight helps me to understand and differentiate different characteristics and personality.
However at times, there's just part of you which you hope that what you perceive is wrong.
Sadly, for today i'm being proven right again.
Should i feel good about my intuition?
Sometimes the better you are in telling someone apart might not be a good thing after all.

2010-02-05T04:06:00.003+08:00

Just a few glasses of brandy.
Finding it hard to just string a few sentences together.
Booze make me sober, but the stagnancy dries me up.
New class, new mates, new expedition.
I am not what they perceive to be.
A glorified image with no substance.
The constant struggle. The contradiction of my values.
The pursuit of consumerism, the hunt for the infinte.
Just a little chess piece in this big board game.
And i stand here, as where i'm always holding on.
I use to love the night fall, the moment where you can just unmask, throw away whatever that's not you.
It's good feeling sad, and it take courage feeling vulnerable, cause not much sane people will even dare to just remove the facade they had on.
Pathetic, aren't they?
Pick me up, will you?

Life or existance.
Stability or passion.
Run or hold.
Pick one, or just flow through the motion.

Just breathe.

2010-02-02T02:48:00.003+08:00

Was it me?
Or was it just you?
Or was it just both of us?
Was it mutual?
Or am i just thinking too much?

2010-01-29T03:46:00.001+08:00

It's hollow inside.
Real hollow.

Run.

2010-01-15T03:31:00.002+08:00

It's just another day.

Another day which just pass by.
And i wonder is it just another day.
It's not much of my choice which i can control.
Just another day.
Another day which just so happen he had left.
My Grandfather.
Another day which is old and grey.
Just one silent phone call.
Something must had gone wrong.
Something must had not turn out fine.
And he is gone.
I see my dad tear.
I feel his sadness.
The sudden of panic and misery.
The tear he try to hold back, i see him cold and sad.
I know you love him, and i know i love you. But it's just words which we can never bring ourselves to say.
I wish to just tell him. 'Dad, Don't be sad. Don't tear. I'm there.'
But.
It's just, something which i have never did before. An action which i don't have the courage to act.
Sadness. Is it an understatement.

By drinking does one seek enjoyment, a form of relaxation, another kind of escapism, or just a form of entertainment.
I've seen the old and jaded one.
I've been through the young and never say enough fellows.
I've seen myself in the mirror.
So tell me?
I had enough. That's one thing i know.

I love to help. I want to help. But if i'm not even able to help myself, what about people around me. A good analogy from my beloved brother. If everyone can self help. Does human need to even help others. Practically, it's impossible. But just think about those people who can self help but choose not to.

I had enough. Thoughts, booze, sadness or just plain laughter. Laughing at the way of life.
Which make it really fascinating.

'I hope you will see her right up there, another phase of moment which humans can't attain. Be safe.'

2010-01-04T03:56:00.003+08:00

Was it a relieve or rather a despair.

For once, i can finally get to wake up late, and figure out what should i do the rest of the day.

I'm someone who hate routines. I hate it when my job get so routine and somehow i felt everyone around me get so overdependent on me. Not as if i'm indispensable but rather because i always believe in setting a standard and making sure i will try to maintain it, therefore people knew if they are not going to do it, Dan is there.
I'm totally fine with things being thrown onto me, i love hardship and i love to be kept busy. I love to get my hands dirty and be involve with everything.
For whatever i do, there must be a purpose, some meaning to it.

Someone once said i love 'changes'. I don't. I am like most ordinary people who are succumb to changes. I always believe why mend something when it's not broken. Why change where there isn't a need. But only with changes there will be growth, when one is stagnant, what's the next logical thing to do if you want growth.
'Change'. That's it.
There are restrictions, red tape or whatever. But that are just merely pathetic excuses to prevent you from exploring the uncharted water trying to find changes.
I am no rocket scientist, neither am i a business guru. But if i spot a mistake, i will rectify it. If things are not going the right way, i will get it back on track. Do not complain about everything and not try to find a solution to it. Nothing is impossible.

But as humans we are, is everything all so simple and straight forward? I do not know.
All i know now is i do not have to pre-plan what should i be doing when i am awake.
Just sleep in.

Officially unemployed.

2010-01-02T00:33:00.002+08:00

The image that i see in the mirror.
So old, so weary. My physical look expedite my natural growth.
I feel like a man of 40s yet i'm just quarter of century old.
Time wasted,pursuing meaningless things.
Yet another year, with no achievements but lots of debts.
I wish it will really turn out fine this year.
Let me push myself just a little bit more.
My time will come, i reckon.

2009-12-24T02:56:00.000+08:00

I'll be back soon. Cheers.

2009-11-04T23:00:00.002+08:00

I've learned.

'In the realm of power, what is the point of chasing here and there, trying to solve problems and defeat your enemies, when you are not in control. Why do you always have to react to events instead of directing them?'

'The essence of power is the ability to keep the initiative, to get others to react to your moves'.

-Robert Greene

Aggressive action does not mean effective action.

In order to be in control, i need to master my emotions.

2009-11-03T02:36:00.002+08:00

After those times.
I look back.
I still miss you, and there are so many you.
Not many. I am confused.
But i just know i'm braving the front forcing the very smile.
Soon to come.

2009-08-18T01:33:00.003+08:00

those humans. Evil and self-centered but yet beautiful and enchanting.
I'm not someone that allow others to carve my path.
I'm not someone that allow others to lay out a route for me to leave my prints on.
There must be a purpose. A meaning.
What's my calling?
being just like another pawn in this superficial world?
being consume by the surrounding.
I'm lost in transition yet again.
I'm still forever so interested in humans.

2009-08-11T01:08:00.003+08:00

Beneath the cover of every human, lies many unspoken truth.

The facade that we had on that were suppose to forbid others from prying into the deeper side of us.

The vulnerable past.

Some say our eyes are the window to our soul.

It speak countless memories and moments.

Plenty. Many.

Dark and surreal.

Those eyes, into another world of your own.

The heart that leads the mind.

I wish to speak, but only to you.

To immerse into the memory lane of yours.

Those Eyes.

2009-07-29T00:05:00.002+08:00

Beyond the laughter, lies a emotional soul.
Beyond the day, sits a lonely one.
With all the glam and prestigious facade, a cold and unspoken truth.
It's not so simple as it seems.
But when the dawn break, it's just another pathetic day.
Not much will understand me.
And i do not seek for it.
But to accept me as who i am is all i wish.

2009-07-08T00:52:00.002+08:00

Nothing work out man.
I'm tired of waking up and heading to work, and nothing to look forward to after work.
It had became such a routine, that it's really unacceptable.
After work activity is usually just booze. What else?
Now i can understand why people start to lose the fire when they grow old. They just want to live a life, without much turmoil, without much surprises. Just earn their dough, and get on with life everyday.
But that's certainly not my kind of life, there's ultimately no meaning.
I need challenges.
I need love.
I need more than the world can give.
There should be a purpose in my life.
And i can't just stomach the fact of getting by with nothing significant happening.
What's going on?

2009-07-07T00:14:00.001+08:00

Why did you set me free when you had my heart?
Are we really not meant to be?

2009-06-28T00:21:00.006+08:00

Time and tide wait for no one.

It's been a while. A while since i have time to reflect.
If it wasn't for the sudden chance upon a beautiful someone. I guess i will still get through life in a hurried pace, living in a world where i'm deem non existence.
Witnessing the life of others, the changes in the surrounding. Contemplating about my own life in a uncertain future. Unknowingly being implicated into the mad world.
In the complex world of ours, time is always an issue. Trying to get to the destination in the shortest possible time, trying to save the few minutes by walking faster. Sacrificing things in life and prioritising what come first is after all what most people do.
Being someone who had wasted precious time in the past, time is a luxury i do not have.

SLOW never associate itself to me. Embracing whatever that comes, driving and trying to accomplish tasks as fast as possible.
The essence of savouring every moments seems rather remote. I get by day without realising what is the ultimate purpose or reason for the day.
I dream, a small man with big ideology. Big dreams with vague vision.
But nothing sustainable, nothing workable. Or i dream too much but do no work.

The unforeseen meeting of the beautiful someone did however make me re look at the way i think, the practicality of real life, the harsh mentality of the people in our society. Love exists but do not provide. The key to basic survival is success, or rather 'Vitamin M'. Something which is not within my reach. However, with hard work and smart thinking, things may be possible in future. But is that really what i want.

Far and beyond, i see no answer. There's no guarantee of a wonderful result even if you speed through it. Deceleration in life is sometimes a need. Take a deep breath, slow things down a little. Make sure you do everything simple, do it good. There's no point rushing through everything even though time is running out. Never say no time, never say impossible. As long you move, even if it's just a step, it's worth every time you had spend.

Relish it. Take pleasure in everything you do, appreciate the spirit of living life on a slow pace.

Now i know why people always dish out this advice.
'Take it slow, take it slow'.

2009-05-27T02:25:00.001+08:00

A heavy night. Let it rain or shine!

2009-05-04T00:22:00.003+08:00

Recharge, Revitalize and Rejuvenate.
Had been lacking energy lately.
In the cruising mode, not really picking up any signals.
No feel, no emotions. The flow of creativity had came to a halt.
Dull and grey. The pictures i paint do not unfold with beautiful colours.
Tired of no achievements.
The same old routine, the meaningless agony. The little rat running on the treadmill.
I need colours, fascinating colours. Red, green, orange, yellow, black, purple and maybe liquid gold.
Paint my life, let it be a masterpiece.
An extraordinary one.

To be honest, i'm never easily satisfied.